Personal relationships involve two (or more) people. We are always dealing with one person’s action and the other person’s reaction, a behavior and a perception, one’s error in sending messages and the other’s error in receiving them. Partnership means being part of a team. There is no benefit if we focus on what our partner is doing rather than on what we are doing. If necessary, we can bring about changes in our relationship entirely on our own – without any help from our partner.
Saying and doing harmful things is worse than failing to do positive things. Much more damage is cause by negative actions and beliefs than by too little pleasure or satisfaction in a relationship.
Below are 54 Relationship Traps – to be aware of and avoid:
1. Reciting Past Grievances
2. Disapproving
3. Criticizing
4. Blaming and Self-Justifying
5. Making Accusations
6. Interrogating Your Partner
7. Threatening
8. Taking Credit
9. Being Right
10. Regretting
11. Universalizing Your Own Opinion
12. Confusing The Person With The Deed
13. Using A Double Standard
14. Displaying Negative Dramatic Behavior
15. Using Negative Emotional Language
16. Using Vague Terms
17. Taking Meaningless Issues Seriously
18. Using Psychological Warfare
19. Making Negative Comparisons
20. Saying “No”
21. Appealing To Or Quoting Third Parties For Support
22. Being Inattentive
23. Failing To Respond Positively
24. Invalidating Partner’s Perception
25. Punishing The Positive
26. Doing A Good Deed, Sourly
27. Devaluing Partner’s Contributions Or Accomplishments
28. Demanding Pure Motives
29. Using “Always” And “Never”
30. Extracting Reassurance
31. Extracting Commitments
32. Giving Advice Without Being Asked
33. Giving Orders
34. Abusing A Confidence
35. Talking Negatively About Your Partner To Others
36. Getting Even
37. Making Excuses
38. Lying
39. Compulsive Truth-Telling
40. Being Jealous
41. Taking The Irrational Personally
42. Failing To Accept Responsibility For Your Own Feelings
43. Attacking Your Partner’s Basic Relationships
44. Being Overprotective
45. Speaking For Your Partner
46. Making Unilateral Decisions
47. Making Malignant Interpretations
48. Exploiting Your Partner’s Weakness
49. Complaining
50. Making Negative Predictions
51. Preventing Partner From Doing What’s Important To Him/Her
52. Mind Reading
53. Allowing Outside Interference
54. Pretending To Want A Better Relationship When You Don’t
© 2012, Oren Pardes. All rights reserved.
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